Okay, I'm sorry. The snark is unnecessary, but I still haven't recovered from my anger at Dr. Popcak's last piece about breastfeeding. I haven't read Dr. Narvaez's new study, which isn't out yet and is due to be reported in the journal Applied Developmental Science. But based on the summary, the evidence was gathered through surveys of 600 adults asking them to recall their childhood experiences. Adults who remembered their childhoods as more affectionate reported better psychological well-being. Again, this isn't at all a surprising result.
But, this result must raise the old correlation versus causation question: does a happy childhood directly cause happiness in adulthood, or does having a happy temperament help you remember your childhood as a happier one? Different experiences impact different people in different ways. A person with an anxious, depressed temperament might recall past experiences as more traumatic than someone with a more resilient personality. Even aside from the issue of how temperament and personality affects the brain's processing of events, how do you methodologically validate someone's self-reported experience? Memories are notoriously malleable. I know for a fact that I remember my childhood very differently than my parents do. Neither one of us can verify the "truth" of the past.
There are also some serious metaphysical questions regarding the study's rather reductionistic assumptions about morality, and the equation of psychological well-being with moral goodness. (I can think of quite a few saints - perhaps even the majority of them! - who would give the lie to that equivalency.) But even aside from all this, I really have very deep reservations about anyone telling me that there's a certain set of things you must do in order to raise moral children.
Look, it's one thing to give advice or to have scientifically-based opinions on what will help our children be physically and psychologically healthy. We do all want that for our children, and we do have a moral obligation to care for their well-being as much as it is within our power. But so much of this talk tends towards making parenthood seem like an impossibly daunting task: if you can't, or won't, do x-y-or-z (be it breastfeed for two-plus years, or baby-wear, or co-sleep, etc.), not only are you endangering your child's medical health, you may also be damaging them psychologically and making it harder for them to be responsible moral agents! And then we wonder why so many young people are opting out of parenthood, afraid of its responsibilities and terrified of doing it "wrong"!
But the truth is, you can be an "imperfect" parent and still be a good one - even a great one! That's because parenthood is not about mastering a skill set or performing some set of discrete tasks. It embraces your entire identity as a human being. And as human beings, we are all imperfect sinners.
Parenthood is not a job; it's a relationship between two imperfect, sinful people. And there's no scientific formula for relationships. Because relationships, in their deepest (and dare I say moral?) sense are beyond the bounds of science: relationships are about the mystery of two souls encountering each other.
You are not going to be a perfect parent. You are going to make mistakes - and that's okay. You are giving your kids a chance to learn forgiveness and compromise. You aren't always going to be able to put your kids' needs first - and that's okay. You're teaching them self-sacrifice and empathy.
But remember too: your child is also not a perfect child. Catholicism teaches the truth of original sin, and even the most innocent baby carries its burden. Your kids are going to make mistakes - and that's okay. They are going to learn how to ask for forgiveness and how to accept mercy. And you are going to lavish affection and love on your children - and that's okay, too. Because then they will learn the limitless, unconditional love of God.
So yes, take from the science what you will. But know also that parenthood, like any relationship, requires flexibility, adaptability, responsiveness, and discernment. There is no one path to sanctity, and there is also no one path towards "good" parenting. Good parenting comes when your strengths and weaknesses meet and intertwine with those of your child's, when you experience the fearful joy of knowing another as another, when you establish your own, intimate ways of sharing love and showing affection.
There's no scientific study that's going to tell you how to do that. And that's the true freedom - and challenge - of parenthood.
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