The Shut Door

Alphonsus Liguori

When I was growing up my parents were fond of the saying, There are no atheists in foxholes, but even at a young age I sensed the illogic of such a statement.  It's far easier to believe in God when life is going well than it is when life challenges you.

In fact as a believer I think that's why God challenges you.  He wants you to have a mature faith, one that can withstand tests and difficulties.  One that causes us to raise our voices with the Psalmist: My courage fails me. . . [but] though I am afflicted and poor, my Lord keeps me in mind (Psalm 40).  

I have always found myself closer to God in good times than in bad.  But I know that this sense of distance is my own doing.  I have voluntarily chosen to shut myself off from God.  I am angry with Him.  I do not want Him near.  I don't want to accept the consolation - perhaps even the apology! - He wants to offer me.  

I don't want to trust Him.

I thank God for giving me the space to sit quietly and lick my wounds.  I know that even if I've locked the door on Him, He's still waiting patiently outside.  Sometimes I can even sense myself opening the door a crack, and in those moments I can hear Him whispering to me the words I know are true but that I don't want to believe, because it's easier not to believe.  So I slam the door shut again.  It's easier to whine and moan, Why me? than it is to accept that God will give me the courage to face whatever it is I have been called to face.  Because I don't want to face it.

God is being patient with me.  I thank Him for that.  Even as I know I've put this distance between us - even as I know I'm being as immature and quarrelsome as an adolescent who feels deprived unjustly of some unearned privilege - I know He still loves me, and will wait for me to open the door to Him once more.

I do want to open the door.  Underneath my anger, I still love Him.  And I can only cast myself on my reliance that He will continue to bestow upon me His loving kindness.