. . . in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12: 7-9)
I've come to accept that there are some vices I will always have. I will always struggle with impatience. I will struggle with having a bad temper. I will struggle with despair and feelings of hopelessness. Like St. Paul, I've "pleaded with the Lord" to take these things away from me. And as with St. Paul, the Lord hasn't.
It's taken me a while to accept even these vices of mine as vehicles of God's grace. But they have been. They "keep me from becoming conceited" and relying on my own virtue. They make me turn to God. They provide opportunities to ask for and accept forgiveness. They have filled me with gratitude that God still deigns to love a weak, imperfect being like myself.
For a long time I was enmeshed in an unhealthy cycle of falling, hating myself for falling and beating myself up about it, struggling to get up, resolving never ever ever to fall again, then falling again and beating up myself even more. The problem is, this made sin and redemption about me. I wanted to get up on my own. I carried the burden of my sin by myself. I wanted to be punished for my sin.
God does not want us to be happy about sinning. He wants our vices and sins to be "displeasing" to us. Accepting yourself as a sinner does not mean accepting sin as "okay." Simply because it is unavoidable does not make it any less abhorrent.
But when we try to overcome sin on our own, we are rejecting God's grace and God's love. Why can't we see God standing right beside us, with His hand outstretched to us, trying to lift us up? Why can't we see that Christ has already carried the burden of our sin for us? Yes, God wants sin to be displeasing to us. But He also wants us to hand those sins over to Him, because He is the only one strong enough to bear their weight and defeat them. He wants us to see our sins and to hate them, but He also wants us to know that our sins are but tiny drops that dissipate in the ocean of His goodness and His mercy.
The whole process of redemption is a journey. So long as we are on earth, our positions relative to God are never fixed. At times along the way, God will make us feel the weight of our sins and our vices, so that we will turn to Him. At other times God will give us moments where we so clearly experience His love and mercy. Just read Psalm 22, which takes us through such a journey, beginning in despair and ending with triumph in God.
We must recognize both these moments as moments of grace, of God's presence. When we feel the weight of our sins, God is there with us. When we feel God's mercy, God is there with us. We cannot linger too long in either of these moments. We will become overwhelmed with despair in the first; we will become too content and perhaps too proud in the second. We must accept these moments as God presents them to us, trusting always that He is acting for our benefit and looking for His grace in all things.
Know that you will sin. Know that you will fail and you will fall. Know that these will be moments of sorrow for you - thorns in your flesh, to disturb and distress you. Accept that sorrow and that distress: they are signs that you love God. But know too that God has made avenues of grace open to you when you fall, and those roads are never closed. And accept that grace and that mercy: they are signs that God loves you.
No comments:
Post a Comment