In Your Mercy

Lately the weight of my sins has been heavy on me.

It's hard to feel worthy to pray when I am in this state.  How dare I speak to God?  How dare I approach Him, taste His Word?

Yet I know that when I am in this state I need to pray all the more.  

I have been feeling more depressed lately.  Unable to sleep.  On top of my exhaustion, my mother sent me an e-mail that hurt my feelings yesterday, and I was angry with her.  But I am not with her, so I took out my anger on my son, when he, because of his own tiredness, procrastinated in doing his homework and made many errors.  

I yelled at him.  I cursed at him.  I threatened him with punishments.  He cried.  I repented.  And now I am sad, miserably sad, at what I did.  I knew while I was yelling at him that I would hate myself for it later.  And here I am, hating myself.

Of course I apologized to him.  Though by the time he went to bed I had apologized profusely and he seemed to be fine, I am afraid that one day I will hurt him, the way my parents hurt me.

I am so scared of hurting him, of losing him.  I do not want to do anything to make him feel towards me the awful ambivalence I feel towards my own parents: that anguished mix of hatred and love, that guilt and resentment, that pain.

There are many sins I must overcome, with God's grace.  My impatience.  My anger.  My gossiping.  My pride.  

Please, God, for the sake of my family, redeem me in Your mercy.  For the sake of my beautiful son, the greatest gift you've ever given me.  Redeem me.  It is not by the strength of my own arm that I will conquer, but by Your strength.  Please help me.  Please don't let me sink again into that abyss of despair.  Don't make me a slave to my desperation again.  I feel the tempest arising and I cling to You.  I've walked in Your light for so long; don't let me lose it again.