A few of my former high school students have posted a link to this article on Facebook recently: "23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23." As someone who did get married when she was 23, I immediately felt a little defensive when I read the title. But when I read the article I wanted to laugh at the author's characterization of marriage. Considering her naive understanding of what marriage entails, it's probably good that this author isn't considering marriage for herself anytime soon.
"Someday I want to get married too," the author says. "I want a floor-length dress with a ton of cleavage. I want it to be in Asia, with Ethiopian food, and a filthy scotch selection to calm my nerves." Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but you're describing a wedding, not a marriage. What you really want is a wedding. If you think that floor-length dress in an Asian venue with Ethiopian food and scotch describes a marriage, you've got a huge surprise ahead of you. And please - don't get married anytime soon, until you've corrected this misunderstanding.
If you really wanted a marriage, you'd say: "I want arguments with my spouse about how to divvy up the housework, I want to feel jealous and angry about how much time my husband spends at work, I want to deal with him feeling angry and jealous about how much time I spend at work, I want to spend my nights staying up with a screaming child, I want to argue with my spouse about whose turn it is to skip work when the kids are sick, I want to feel neglected and lonely at times, I want to fight for my right to my own space at other times, I want to sacrifice what I want to do for the good of the family, I want fights about which set of in-laws to spend the holidays with, I want worry and anxiety and stress and heartbreak and tears."
You'd also say: "I want to become a less selfish, more giving person; I want the deep joy that comes from building and nurturing a family; I want the love that can only come after suffering through stressful times with another person."
The problem is that many 23-year-olds, like this author, confuse the wedding with the marriage. She is certainly right to say that for many people marrying young is an impulsive and perhaps not wholly wise decision. However, I don't think the alternatives she suggests in her list of twenty-three things to do are going to help young people learn the wisdom and maturity necessary to become ready for a marriage. Make out with a stranger? Stand naked in front of a window? Date two people at once? If you're going to suggest alternatives to what you perceive as an immature act, perhaps your alternatives should not be other immature - and possibly even hurtful - acts. And if, as the author claims, she truly wants a marriage one day, she's going to have to prepare herself with better behaviors than these.
And for some young people, marrying young is not impulsive or unwise. I object to the notion that marriage means "settling down" or even "settling." And I absolutely object to her implication that marriage means the "end of all fun experiences." For goodness' sake, half of her suggestions could still be done even when you're married! Married people are in bands, travel the world, bake cakes, have pets, do CrossFit, write in blogs, and so on. Why does she think this will end when she gets married?
Nor are any of the items on her list as challenging or difficult - or as rewarding and life-giving - as marriage is. She says that marriage means "hiding behind your significant other" instead of "dealing with life's ups and downs"? Please! I didn't know what life's "ups and downs" really meant until I got married and had kids! She thinks marriage means "hiding from the big scary world"? Marriage is the big scary world! It's a world of self-sacrifice and self-giving. It's a world of relentless demands on one's time and generosity. It requires the humility to learn from another person, to admit when you're wrong, to say you're sorry. It requires the strength to fight for your spouse, for your children, to stand with them and beside them. It means dealing not only with your own problems, but taking on theirs as well. The reason the divorce rate is so high is precisely because marriage is so difficult and challenging, and - if this article is any indication - no one is teaching young people how to rise to this challenge. If marriage, as this author seems to believe, were truly a matter of comfortably hiding from the world, why would anyone want to leave its safe confines? Her married friends are experiencing the "real world" far more fully than she is. It seems to me that she's the one who's scared.
Marriage has pushed me beyond my boundaries far more than any of her twenty-three suggestions would. Marriage has, indeed, been the biggest challenge of my life. Every day it demands that I put aside my own selfishness and put another's concerns ahead of my own. It has forced me to overcome jealousy and envy, pettiness and pride. It has taught me how to compromise and to truly listen to another person. It has taught me empathy and made me more compassionate. It has taught me how to be committed to something through thick and thin - and believe me, there's been a lot of "thick" to overcome - rather than giving up at the first sign of inconvenience to myself or my own plans. It has taught me how to find blessings in unexpected places. It has taught me gratitude and given me joy - the joy of building something lasting with another human being. In short it has made me a better person. And I don't see her twenty-three suggestions doing that for anyone.
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